My first thoughts after hearing the news from my sister.
“gratias tibi ago, domine.
haec credam a deo pio, a deo justo, a deo scito?
cruciatus in crucem
tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui; officium perfeci.
cruciatus in crucem
eas in crucem.”

My thoughts in German this morning:
“Du nahmst meine Schwester, Du nahmst meinen Bruder, Was nahm ich von dir? Ich gebe dir die Energie, Ich gebe dir den Ruhm. Dennoch nimmst du von mir, was Ich bin nicht bereit zu geben? Bin ich jetzt dein Job? Möchtest du mich die fühlen Schmerz bilden? Mich dann nehmen, Lord für bin mich bereit. Mich prüfen, Lord für stehe mich stark. Für deine Schlacht ist Teufel nicht mit meiner Familie aber mit mir. Mich prüfen, mich rütteln, aber verwirklichen Ich gewinne, ich gewinne immer. Du kannst mein Vertrauen gerüttelt haben, du kannst meinen Stolz gerüttelt haben. Aber mein Herz lebt an, wie meine Seele und ich stehen an den Gattern des Himmels die begrüßend werden, die mit mir kämpften, um dich zurück zu Hölle zu senden. ”

Thoughts from me this evening in Russian:
Что penance я дать к вам? Что гонорар я оплачиваю быть принятым от doghouse жизни и боли я чувствую к вашим everloving рукояткам? Как я утешаю мою семью? Как делаю я препятствуйте моим друзьям знать внимательность I. Пожалуйста скажите мне ванта oh большая для меня вполне потеряно. Мое вера пойдено и мое упование слишком. Я принимал полностью боль, котор я могу. Я не могу посмотреть друзей в глазе ни проронить слово после того как я окружан моей семьей. Моя боль неоглядна and yet все, котор я могу сделать должна заплакать. Но разрывы не приносят никакое разрешение и только мочат мою сторону. Мое сердце сломленно, моя душа сломленна, и я чувствую как ваша работа холопки. Я даю вам славу большая ванта, но я знак, что-то держать меня пойти. Для я не могу стоять боль я предпринимаю сегодня.

Please hear me Big Guy, I am hurting beyond belief. I get on this site writing my feelings for I have no other outlet than crying. My heart is so sore and my inability to sleep after multiple sleeping medicines is worrisome. I thought I could keep away from here, but writing is the only thing I have right now. I’ve tried to sleep, eat, walk, talk, all unsuccessfully. Give me the guidance to find the solution that I need.

I will return to town on Monday evening for I have work to do, a job and responsibilities to take care of. But I will be working on a sadder and heavier heart and I ask for your forgiveness for these last 48 hours. The pain I have is enourmous and my ability to hold it is limited.

Please accept my deepest apologies. Sometimes when you peek into a mans soul you have to see the darkness and the true tragedy of life.

Part 1 Latin from the West Wing “Two Catherdrals” Episode
Thank you, Lord.
Am I to believe these things from a righteous god, a just god, a wise god?
To hell with your punishments!
(literally “(put/send) punishments onto a cross”)
I was your servant, your messenger on the earth; I did my duty.
— (with a dismissive wave of the hand)
To hell with your punishments!
And to hell with you! (literally, “may you go to a cross”)”

Part 2 German from my thoughts last night

You took my sister,
You took my brother,
What did I take from you?
I give you the power,
I give you the glory.
Yet you take from me what
I am not ready to give?
Am I now your Job?
Do you want to make me feel pain?
Then take me Lord for I am ready.
Test me Lord for I stand strong.
For your battle Devil is not with my family but with me.
Test me, shake me, but realize
I will win, I will always win.
You may have shaken my confidence,
you may have shaken my pride.
But my heart will live on as will my soul and I will stand at the gates of heaven welcoming those who fought with me to send you back to hell.

Part 3 translated from Russian:
What penance do I need to give to you? What fee do I pay to be taken from the doghouse of life and the pain that I feel to your everloving arms? How do I comfort my family? How do I let my friends know I care. Please tell me oh Big Guy for I am completely lost. My faith is gone and my hope is too. I have taken all the pain I can. I cannot look friends in the eye nor utter a word when surrounded by my family. My pain is boundless and yet all I can do is cry. But the tears bring no resolution and only wet my face. My heart is broken, my soul is broken, and I feel like your servant Job. I give you the glory Big Guy, but I need a sign, something to keep me going. For I can not stand the pain that I am undertaking today.