Something I wrote when I couldn’t sleep one night. It’s a letter to my friend “The Big Guy”

Dear Big Guy,

It’s me again Sean. You know I know we don’t talk much lately but I am feeling that I was trying to get along without you. I wish I could tell you Big Guy how much I need you right now. The chips are stacked against me and all I see for hands is garbage. Not a pocket pair in sight.

I’m lost in my own world wanting to be great but fearing failure. The hardest step I have is walking out my front door each day.

I find myself able to talk to strangers like they were friends but I talk to friends like they were strangers. Ironic, isn’t it Big Guy?

I want to show love to another, but cannot love myself. Why is that Big Guy? Why? I can show kindness to strangers and love for people that I don’t know but I choose to reject all attempts for people to really know me or even love me. Why is that?

Maybe you have a higher purpose. Don’t take this the wrong way Big Guy but, could you please fill me in? Cause right now I am lost and wandering. I have people that I know and that know me but no real friends.

Is this a test Big Guy? I wish I could get the answers that I need from you. But you’ve been silent. I know, figure out the answers yourself Sean. You can do it Sean. I’m beginning to wonder if you are even listening Big Guy.

I leave it in your hands every day. I guess I’ll find out what I really need when it’s time to know. Have I mentioned that I’m not a patient man Big Guy? Have I mentioned I’m alone and scared? Good, cause each night it gets harder and harder to fall asleep.

Can we work on that Big Guy? Sleep is one of those things that I love, but I’ve been missing it for a while.

I promise you that I’ll work on the patience, pride, lust, foolishness, stealing from others and myself. But that’ll take time.

Do I have that Big Guy? Time? Cause I don’t want to be making these grandiose plans if they are going not to be done.

Have I mentioned that I would like an agenda, a map, something that would keep me on the right path?

Don’t have one of those huh, Big Guy?

Well I’ll just have to get used to it and move on.

Are you listening Big Guy? I hope you haven’t given up on me. I know that I haven’t done all the things you have wanted or needed me to do yet, but I am getting to them.

I know you are sitting next to people I know Big Guy. Please guard them for me. I guess I have more work to do.

Let me know when you’re ready to fill me in again.

And Big Guy? Someone to love wouldn’t be bad either. Just a small reminder.

I know I ramble on…

You listening?

I think I know you do…

Your friend,

Sean